I was talking to a friend of mine about hardships and struggles and how life has been difficult for him this year, but this was a good year overall for him.  Everyone has their own trials and challenges in life.  It is up to us to preserve and rise above our hardships.  We must make the most of our lives and make it a life worth living.

This year has been by far the worst year of my life.  It makes me wonder from time to time and ask myself, "why go on?" or "is it really worth it to continue?".  Not just because of love, work, or personal goals do I say this. A piece of myself was lost.

When my grandfather passed away, I felt useless.  I wanted to work in Vietnam after graduation, but I was unable to secure a firm job there so I delayed the move.  I thought to myself, "there's always next year" or "he still has time".  Time comes and goes and as such so what came was my grandfather's time.  To hear of his passing so far away broke my heart, he was my connection to Vietnam, the country did not matter... only he did.  So I now look back and see regret in my eyes because of my lack of action.  I decided to go to New York to build a career instead of focusing on what was most important, my grandfather.

I learned from it and got stronger.  To live life and show my love for him by going on.  I was able to get passed it with the support of my family, without them I could not.  But short while later, crash.  The pillar of support since my transition back from graduate school was broken. 

My cousin Hien, died in a way that broke my heart, mind, and soul.  I was unable to help him, was unable to change things, unable to protect one of the most important people in my life.  I will bare that regret for all my life, I can promise myself that I will never be the same for it.  I lost not a cousin, not even a brother, but a part of myself.  I will never be the same.  I remember carrying his coffin, the weight of it  will always be felt, knowing I was a failure to help him, though he helped me so many times before.  I am sorry Hien, I am so, so, so sorry.  I can only ask you to forgive me.

In the meantime, I will make a life that's truly wonderful to honor my grandfather and my cousin.  To do other would only insult their memory.  For now, I must endure the saddness alone and ask for forgiveness.

“When you are at one with loss, the loss is experienced willingly.”
―Lao Tzu